Stepping Stones or Stumbling Blocks

Recently I have been blessed with a rather unique opportunity: due to a series of events, I have found my family of six bunking down with my brother-in-law's family of 6.  That's right, an even dozen, all playing and working and dancing around each other in the kitchen, and sharing one bathroom. 

Honestly, it's been a blast.  I grew up in a big family and often find myself missing "all the noise."  So it's nice being surrounded by the hustle and bustle of parents and children all making a life.

That's not say there haven't been challenges, of course.  The way I see it, though, is that each challenge can either be a stumbling block... or a stepping stone to a better moment. Here are a few step-stones I found useful.

Own your own...

...emotions. 

Whatever you feel, it's your fault.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth; nobody can make you angry, any more than they can make you green or purple or blue. The only person responsible for your emotions is you.  

And isn't that how you would want it? 

Why relinquish control of how you're feeling to an individual or a situation, when it's so much more pleasant to just let it roll off your back? Sure, that's easier said than done, but it is doable, and it just takes practice. There are nearly endless resources to help, too (Google is your friend).

The same goes for everyone else, as well; Their emotions, whatever they are, are theirs to own responsibility for.  Of course, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't... 

Consider others

You're just coming home from a long day at work. You're tired, maybe a little ornery, and just can't wait to get out of those pinchy shoes and leave them by the door.

Meanwhile, your partner has also had a long day working- maybe from a home computer, maybe with kids, maybe at a 9-to-5; does it really matter? Now they're cleaning up the house for the company they didn't know to expect until 20 minutes ago.... and your muddy shoes are another thing they've just added to their "have-to-do" list. 

At this point they might get a little ornery, themselves. Of course, as I mentioned, their reactions are their own to manage, but getting upset that their partner just threw off their shoes without any consideration for the work they've ben doing might be understandable, yes? 

The point is, whether you live in a big family or happily alone, there are other people in the world (or house) who deserve just as much consideration as you do. Consider that.  

And while you consider it, here's one more thing to consider: 

It has nothing to do with you

Everyone around you is caught up in their own little world. They each have their own hopes, fears, dreams, stories, and conditionings.  Their actions and attitudes - however you might dislike them - are explainable... and likely have nothing to do with you. 

Maybe they were grumpy, tired, or hungry, rather than upset about something you did. Maybe they were lost in thought while you were trying to talk to them. Maybe they were sick. Maybe they were sad. There are a million and more reasons they might have done what they did that don't have a thing to do with you. Pick one of those.  

If it does involve you, consider them (there's that word again) and why they might possibly be feeling the way they feel. Be honest with yourself. 

Admit when you are wrong.

I know how hard this one can be, especially when you want nothing more than to just pretend everything's fine, but it's worth it.  Any relationship worth having is worth making right, especially if you contributed to the tension.

Of course, that doesn't mean you should drop to your knees and grovel. There are always things you should stand your ground on, and they vary for everyone.

It's okay to have boundaries.

In fact, it's a good thing. Boundaries protect you, and lay the foundation for a healthy relationship.  

Don't feel bad about them, either.  If you're not okay with letting strangers touching your back, or waist, or whatever else, tell them.  If you're not comfortable drawing onlookers' attention by protesting aloud, then move away and consider asking for help. The same goes for emotional issues and behaviors.

On the other hand, if you're ever faced with it, take a hint. 

If someone seems uncomfortable by your invasive behavior, or if you're not sure that they're comfortable.... actually, if you don't know 150% that how you're treating them isn't welcome.... don't do it.  It's actually pretty straight forward.

It's kind of like the golden rule, but switched up a bit: treat others - and their personal boundaries - with the same amount of consideration that you would like to receive.  

Consider the message you're sending.

How do others view you? Your behaviors? Your attitude?  Do they feel at ease when you walk into a room, or perhaps something less pleasant?

This is a tricky one because, as I've empathized before, their emotions (or thoughts, or opinions) are theirs to own, and that's the last thing I'd want you to take on.  However, part of truly owning our emotions is recognizing how others may be taking what we say, do, or even believe. 

If you can sum it up by saying, "I don't care - this is who I am and they can deal with it," that's fine.  Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that.  

However, you might find that there are times that, for whatever reason, it matters what message your sending.  All I'm saying is, be aware of what that message might be.

But most importantly,

Always be true to yourself. 

Nobody's thoughts about, opinions of, or actions toward you have any bearing on who you are, at all. As we've discussed earlier, it has nothing to do with you.  So don't change yourself for someone else, especially someone who doesn't even know your story. 

The best truth you can tell is your own, and yours is the only approval you need.  Your way is unique, and beautiful, and just as right as anyone else's.  Don't lose sight of that.

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I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to spend this time with my family, both immediate and extended.  The lessons I've learned and the blessing I've received are priceless, and I'll cherish them always.  I hope they meant something to you, as well.

-Journey