Multifaceted Me

Lately I have been doing a lot of soul-searching... getting to know myself, as it were.  And, among many other things, one thing I have learned is that I am multifaceted.

I don't mean in the Universal/spiritual way (though that, too), but rather... my personality; there are many different "me's" in my head.

I realize this sounds a bit like I'm describing multiple personalities, and although that's definitely not what I mean... it also kind of is.

It was several years ago, before the birth of my first child, before I was even engaged to my first husband, that I realized I had two other, distinct, different "me's".  I described them to my therapist at the time as being a more timid and submissive "Me", whom I lovingly dubbed AJ (an acronym for my legal first and middle names, Amber Janine); and a more aggressive and dominant "Me" I named Miriel, after a character in a novel I'd been writing who had similar characteristics.  I observed that in certain, usually stressful or triggering situations, I would revert to one or the other of these personality types.  The change was incredibly dramatic, and felt completely out of my control - a fact which scared me and led to me confessing all of the this to the wonderful psychologist I mentioned above.

Susan (my psychologist) explained to me about dissociating (what was happening when I would 'revert'), gave me grounding techniques, and all and all was incredibly helpful about the whole thing.  But what I've since learned came more from personal experience than it did therapeutic advisement.

Basically, I decided to get to know them - well, me - better.  For a couple of years I did just that, and realized that I could actually interact with them.  You've heard of (and probably even experienced) the term "talking to yourself"... well, I literally would... And 'I' would respond!  To be honest, it was actually really cool...

Until I left my first husband, started dating again, and fell into the fear that a potential new partner might find my 'other Me's' freakish, rather than fascinating as I did.

So I suppressed them.

Hid them away.

Denied their existence (or at least, refused to acknowledge it).

I wasn't typically being triggered anymore, so I didn't have to worry about dissociation, and on the few rare occasions that I did start to feel myself 'slip', I had the grounding techniques Susan had brought to my awareness to get 'back to normal' ....Though I did allow one, very momentary and even intentional, dissociation into Miriel because I'd gotten onto my roof and was having a massive panic attack at the prospect of getting back down (it was like a 3-foot drop to the ladder!!! O.o).  But I digress.

Years later, fast-forwarding to about a year and a half ago actually, and about 6/7 months after discovering the grandness of The Universe, mysticism, and all of the wonderful, mind-bending and boggling, unexplainable and totally incomprehensible things that come along with it, I had a few experiences during meditation which I could only describe as conversing with my Spirit Guides.  There were no verbal communications (I call it 'clouds', the way the information/energy comes through), though I did notice that something seemed familiar.

It took a few weeks to realize... it was my other Me's! Except... more refined.  It was as though I was talking to the more perfected versions - the Souls, if you will - of those distinct aspects of my personality.

It wasn't until a few more months after that that I was willing to look closer and allow myself to become reacquainted with those parts of myself.... in large part because I knew that would mean I'd have to tell Randy, who up to that point had never heard about Miriel, AJ, etc. Well, I think I'd briefly mentioned them once, but I had to go into detail, and that was... scary.  But I did it, and though he had his own emotions to process (of course) he was largely supportive of my desire to get 'back in touch' with those parts of myself.

It's been a slow process.  While I would have plowed right in, for some reason it's taken longer than I envisioned for those parts of me to become as accessible as they once were.  In fact, they still aren't entirely.

Which is where another thing I've learned about myself comes in:

I am not automatically entitled to every facet of me, just because it's in me.

You'd think I would be, and in a way I guess I am... but they're not readily available to me just because I want them to be.  I want to trust myself - as is the goal, I think, for everyone - but there are pieces of me that have been hidden away, betrayed, abandoned... by my own self.  As a result, there are pieces of me that don't want to trust me - or at the very least, want me to earn that trust; that need to be coaxed.

So here I am.  One piece of a multifaceted puzzle, quizzically trying to find a way to earn my own trust.  I'll be honest, I don't really know where to go from here.  What I do know, is that I will find a way.  And it probably starts with self-love, self-appreciation, and a whole lot of self-acceptance.

I truly hope that these words can find someone who may be experiencing (or have experienced) something similar.  If you or someone you know has found them/yourself in the same boat... just know you're not alone.  We'll ride this wave together. <3 <3 <3